10 Movies You’ll Be Shocked I Haven’t Seen and What I Think They’re About
I haven’t seen a lot of the classics, so hearing people say “Oh my god, you HAVEN’T seen ____?!” in an exaggerated tone is a common occurrence for me. But honestly? I hear about these damn movies all the time, so much so that I feel like I get it. Here are my absolutely genius, 100% accurate theories on what these movies are about. If you haven’t seen them either, beware: these predictions are seriously so spot on, they may act, in effect, as spoilers.
Bonus feature: a percentage at the end of each item indicating my estimation of the likelihood that the movie passes the Bechdel test.
- Shawshank Redemption. Morgan Freeman is a guy and he’s in jail and it’s a story of redemption, most likely of the shawshank variety. I assume there’s some racial themes and some stuff about having faith in God and someone’s faith in God gets shaken but ultimately they still believe and probably at some point there is a letter from one character to another that is read aloud via voiceover real soft and whispery-like. Boom, Shawshank Redemption. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- Ghostbusters. Bill Murray pretends to be all brave and acts like ghosts don’t scare the living bejeesus out of him ’cause he gotta be some tough guy, but then he gets shook by how real the ghosts turn out to be. Maybe he does a real funny yell when he sees one for the first time? Oooh, falls down! He falls down, doesn’t he? *shakes dice* C’monnnn, falls down! Anyway, he vacuums the ghosts up and then makes a sign with an X through a ghost to warn them that no ghosts are allowed there anymore. The ghosts do not obey the sign because everyone knows ghosts love to do mischief. They probly do at least 8–10 mischiefs over the course of this movie. Ghostbusters, y’all. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- Taxi Driver. Robert De Niro is a taxi driver and when he’s driving one guy, the guy keeps doing that thing where someone is talking into their phone but you can’t tell that they’re on the phone so Robert De Niro can’t tell if he’s talking to him so he asks, “Are you talking to me?” Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- Pulp Fiction. John Travolta points a gun at someone, probably a lot of times. Uma Thurman literally never stops smoking a cigarette the entire movie and I’m positive she does something classically unfeminine (read: SEXY), like orders a big steak or chews tobacco or some shit. Also her bra strap or nightgown strap 100% falls off her shoulder in that sexy way that I am practicing really hard to get good at. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- When Harry Met Sally. Harry meets Sally because she’s cumming in a restaurant, and for some reason nobody seems to have any public health concerns about that. Some old couples tell the story of the first time THEY came in a restaurant, but obviously nobody had public health concerns about it back then because it was a different time. Anyway, Harry tells Sally if she wants to keep cumming in restaurants together for the rest of their lives, she should meet him in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge at midnight on New Year’s Eve, which she does, and they happily cum in restaurants together for the rest of their lives. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- Frozen. Two cartoon sisters’ parents died and one of them wants to build a snowman and the other doesn’t want to, so the one who wanted to build a snowman has to “let it go.” They have special powers, which eventually puts them in a position to save their snow kingdom, probably a situation where there is a blizzard and they have to stop it. They have their differences and definitely get in a fight, but ultimately make up in time to save the day. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 80%.
- Star Wars. Carrie Fisher wears a gold bikini and everyone jags off real hard, and their jizz flies off into space and gets lost so nobody knows where their jizz ended up and that’s how come somebody found out somebody else was his real dad. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- Back to the Future. Michael J. Fox literally cannot stop thinking about fucking his mom, so much so that when he meets a crazy scientist who has time travel capabilities, he’s like, “Listen, I really wanna go back in time and fuck my mom, can you do that for me and can you also, like, not mention to anyone else that I’m asking you that?” and the scientist is like, “You’d actually be surprised how many people ask for that, it’s a very popular request” and Michael J. Fox (as Monty) is like “Wait, you mean everyone requests to time travel and fuck their mom or everyone requests to time travel and fuck MY mom?” and the scientist is like “Look, kid, I have Evil Cackling at 3:00, followed by Pouring Smoky Stuff From One Beaker To Another at 4:30, do you wanna do this or not?” and Monty (obviously) says yes because if he didn’t there would be, like, no movie. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- The Matrix. Keanu Reeves doesn’t have very many friends because he wears transition lenses and acts like an overgrown high school goth. Eventually he breaks into an exclusive clique known as the X-Men, who appoint him as their new leader because he gives them cool different colored drug pills. He starts dating the old head X-man’s X-boyfriend, Aaron Samuels, which causes tensions in the group to flair. Eventually he is so wrapped up in the X-Men’s ugly ways that he loses sight of himself and what’s right, and the whole school erupts into a big slow motion fight. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
- The Princess Bride. Zorro is up to his old tricks again, this time attempting to woo a beautiful princess. Unfortunately a very buff handsome WWE wrestler has captured her heart and they get mawwied, but later she realizes she wants to be the Pwesident of the United States so she leaves the wrestler because she knows she has to go court a young Kevin Spacey and start working her way up so she can eventually usurp him as the President because goddammit, it’s a man’s world, she has to play with the hand she’s been dealt. Zorro takes his mask off and it turns out one side of his face is real ghastly and fucked up and we sympathize with him because it shows his humanity and how it’s no wonder he acts like a jerk…nobody can love him ‘cuz of his fucked up face! He’s just misunderstood! Goddamn, I wanna watch this movie now, it sounds compelling as fuck. Chance of passing the Bechdel test: 0%.
