10 People Who Might Get to Kiss Me at Midnight on New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve ushers in a lot of familiar feelings of loneliness and heartache for the uncoupled among us, and for the first time in a while, that includes ya girl. Many kindhearted friends have expressed concerns that I’ll be feeling low tomorrow night after what has been a tough year in the romance department, but I just wanted to assure them, I’m doing fine! I’m doing great, in fact, Carrie, you can stop calling. To prove how great I’m doing, I’ve made a list of all the prospective people I might be kissing tomorrow at midnight. I have so many prospects, I need to make a LIST to sort through them all and complete the selection process. I’m actually worried about YOU, Carrie, because you only have one person to kiss and it’s your lame boyfriend Travis who wears baggy pants and offhandedly calls his ex-girlfriends sluts. Without further adieu, here are the ten finalists in the very large, competitive applicant pool.

1. My favorite Dunkin Donuts lady. If she isn’t into me, why does she get my coffee exactly right every time? Some might say it’s because I go in at the same time and order the same thing literally every day, but to those people I say: I think you’re missing the point here, which is that we have a special connection and plus she works the morning shift so I think she’s probably free at midnight. Moving on.
2. The picture of Paul Rudd that I kiss every night at midnight to ensure the spell will work.
3. A girl who was giving me eyes on a late-night phone sex commercial I saw the other night. This seems like a front-runner because she specifically said to call AND gave me her number. How did I know she was talking to me? Let me answer your question with a question: what’s fun for you about challenging me on this? Look, this list is going to take forever if you’re gonna argue with me about every item.
4. YouTube user xXmeepmeep015Xx who said he wanted to see my tits, not to brag or anything. Con: probably also calls his ex-girlfriends sluts.
5. Vinnie F. from fourth grade who told me my face looked like a butt but later confessed to having a crush on me. If anyone knows where Vinnie F. is these days, please pass along my contact info. Let him know I’m looking for him and that it’s, like, kind of urgent.
6. KissyBot 2.0. It is a robot that is programmed for kisses (just like me).
7. The back of my hand while thinking about Ira Glass.
8. The alley cat that wails outside my window every night. He seems like he parties and we’d save on Uber fare because he’s, like, RIGHT there.
9. Smooch-o-Matic 9000. The name is deceiving; this is actually not a robot but in fact just a ride-on lawnmower that its owner gave me permission to kiss.
10. Some wet pieces of garbage I found.

As you can see, I’m doing absolutely fine. If you didn’t make the list this year, please note there were many qualified applicants, making the competition especially fierce. Narrowing it down was tough, but I’m confident I’ve chosen the best of the best and that when Carrie reads this, she’ll feel awfully stupid for suggesting that I’m gonna be lonely. If you’ll excuse me, I have some phone screens to get to and some references to check. A huge thank you to all who applied. Enjoy your New Year’s smooch with your “loving partner” or whatever, and stay tuned to find out who clinched the W for me this year!